Having served my time behind the bar for about 6 years, I’m becoming more and more dismayed about the current state of cocktails as I find them practiced.

Bartending is a craft. It’s an art and it’s a science but first and foremost, it’s about service. Thus for the betterment of drinkers everywhere, some advice:

  • First, be fast and accurate. Except in very rare occasions people are not at the bar to see you or to sample your latest squid ink and pomegranate juice specialty drink. They’re there to hangout with their friends, listen to music and locate prospective sexual partners. You taking too long with your vanity projects only impedes these goals. If it takes you more than 90 seconds to make a bloody mary, simplify your recipe. Move the drinks, move the customers and move the money.
  • Making great drinks with 15 ingredients and 10 minutes of your time does not a bartender make. The question is: when its 1 am and you’re down to half bottles of gin and tequila, lemonade, one lime, a two liter of Sprite and some frozen orange juice concentrate, can you keep the party going?*
  • Give the people what they want. Don’t bemoan someone for ordering a Bud Light instead of your favorite microbrew from Lithuania. Give them their damn beer and shut up.
  • A martini is vodka or gin with vermouth and an olive. NOTHING else is a martini. Stop naming them ____-tinis. It’s a cocktail in a triangular glass. Accept this. Even a change as small as replacing the olive with an onion keeps it from being a martini. (That’s a gibson.)
  • Know your trade and know your tools. Study up. Read Dale DeGroff’s books and get some DVD’s. You practice an ancient and honorable profession, so take the time to do it right. Even if you work in a dingy corner bar you can still provide Rainbow Room class service. Keep things clean and be able to get to all your tools quickly.

Thank you.

* Yes you can. Mix up the orange juice concentrate with the Sprite. Add the tequila in about a 5:1 ratio and use the lemonade to add some tartness to taste. Serve with ice and garnish with slices from the lime. Now sit back and wait for the inevitable sexual advances.